Called and Waiting

Do you ever just feel inspired to do something but simultaneously like you’re longing for something outside of your reach? Or like you were called to do something but keep getting pushed aside when opportunities come close? Or when you get an opportunity something happens and it doesn’t go as it should have? 

This has largely been my journey in my call to ministry. I have known for around ten years now that I have been called to be a minister, and within the past few years I have become more confident in my skills and abilities to do that work. I've gained degrees, yes, but more than that I know in my gut this is who I am. And yet, I continue to feel like opportunities pass me by for one reason or another. This is not to say that I have not been gifted any opportunities - I have had some wonderful and formational experiences ministering and learning what it’s like to be in that role, but they have always been short lived for various reasons. Some good, some not...

When I hear people my age or younger (and sometimes even those with years of experience) talk about the job in ministry they are in or recently got I feel this deep ache within me that pangs and throbs with the beat of my heart saying “you are meant to do this.” And yet here I am waiting. 

I feel like I’ve been waiting for years. I have both my Bachelors and Masters in ministry and am pursuing my Doctorate, I have had people call out gifts in me as a minister, I’ve pastored and mentored and read and applied and interviewed and waited. And I’m still waiting. And I’m tired. I want so badly to live into the call God has placed on my life. I’ve gotten creative and tried my best to find ways to still live into it when opportunities didn’t come through, but nothing has been sustainable. Not with working a full time job that is not in the field I want to be in. 

Whenever I have the opportunity to step into the world of ministry, even for one sermon, one conversation, one moment, I feel alive! Like something inside me that had been starved for light finally caught a glimpse and reached its face up to soak as much light in as possible. 

I know ministering is not all sunshiney and easy, but it’s what I am called to and what helps me feel most alive. It feels like sunlight after a dark, gloomy winter. 

I’ve learned a lot over the last several years about myself and about not finding or placing my worth in what I do, and I’m thankful for that. I really am. But there’s a gap, a hole, a spot meant to be filled with the work I'm called to. To finally have a job that matches, or even partially fits this desire and passion I have in my very being for ministering to God’s people...it sounds like a dream. And yes, there are always small ways to do that, I know, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about really feeling alive in what I do. It’s been a while since I have felt that way...I look forward to the day when I can finally feel fully alive in a role that allows me to live into my calling. 

Maybe you've felt that way before. Maybe it's not specifically in ministry (maybe it is), maybe it's with a call to be creative, to research, to be in the work of healing mental or physical illness, there are so many ways we can live into who we are called to be! And, as I'm learning, sometimes it takes more time than others to find that role. 

My hope is that throughout this year I can continue to trust in the call God has placed on my life, even when it isn't affirmed by a full-time (or even part-time) job. My worth and my call isn't dependent upon a "career." But maybe, just maybe, this will be the year that I find a job that allows me to live fully into that call. But until then, I will do my best to be at peace with where I'm at and look forward to what may lie ahead.