Thankful and Angry

I haven't written about this on my blog yet...but I've had this idea for a blog post for a while and haven't been able to shake it so it's time to share.

For those that don't know, in February of 2020 I was diagnosed with stage 1, grade 2 invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer. Since diagnosis I have found out that it is not genetic, I have nearly completed my six rounds of chemo (two more to go), I will be having surgery to remove the cancerous tissue sometime late August early September, and I have roughly 8 or so months left of hormone therapy that I will continue to receive once every three weeks even after chemo. This whole thing has been unexpected and still doesn't feel real in a lot of ways. But the main thing I want to reflect on here is how it has affected me and my relationship to my body. 

In November of 2019 Clay and I began working out and eating healthier. We got personal trainers for a couple months to help us get motivated and to learn how to workout in the best way for our body types and personal goals. It was great. We were working out 3-5 times a week; it had become a part of our weekly routine and was something we were both learning to love. I had never been someone who stuck to workout plans, and beyond running during the summer each year and occasionally doing yoga I didn't really workout much. But after a couple months of working out at our gym I had learned to love it and was loving the energy and determination I was feeling as a result. Not to mention how great of a stress reliever it was after long work days. I was feeling confident, strong, and was learning to love my body and its' abilities in a way I hadn't before.

Then we got my diagnosis. 

I went from working out 4 days a week for about two hours each time to sitting on the couch recovering from various procedures, and then to being stuck on the couch for about a week after each chemo treatment. The only "workout" I can handle at this point is going for a walk, and after each round of chemo I have to rebuild my stamina again. 

I went from being proud of my body and it's ability to lift and run, to being angry at it for creating a cancer, ruining all the progress I had made, and making me feel like it had betrayed me. 

I don't like feeling that way. In fact, when I actually stop and think about it, I'm pretty proud of my body and all it has gone through over these past few months, but I still can't help but be angry at it sometimes. 

Just when I felt like I was getting into a groove of working out, making healthy habits, and learning to love my body I get told I have cancer. Never healthier in my life, but I got cancer. 

I can tell myself to be thankful that I was so healthy when I was diagnosed because that has made treatment go that much more smoothly, and I am thankful for that. But it's a very odd and disorienting feeling to go from being so proud of your body in one second to so angry at it the next. 

As times goes on, I get a little less angry, and I'm learning to remind myself that it's okay to be thankful and angry at the same time. I'm trying to shift my anger away from my body (and myself) and just have it pointed at the bad luck that caused my cancer to form. There is nothing I could have done differently to prevent it, it's just another example of the brokenness of our world and things not being the way they should be. 

While there are are still plenty of moments when I feel angry about my situation, now that I am getting closer to the end of my chemo treatments I'm beginning to look forward to when I can start working out again. I'll have to wait until I'm recovered from surgery to start, but when I do start back up I will know what to do and how to start from the beginning (since that's where I started last fall). 

Even though I am sad about the progress lost, I'm so glad to have had those few months of working out and getting healthier so I can pick that lifestyle back up once I'm able, because staying active and healthy will be even more important than before as I work to stay cancer free. (Oh, and by the way, I CANNOT wait until I can officially say "I'm cancer free!" - I will 100% cry when I get to do that.) 

So, there you go. A little look into the reality of how I've been processing a piece of this cancer journey. It sucks and it's full of contradictory feelings, but that's life sometimes, isn't it? 

Someday I'll be able to fully let go of that anger and just be proud of what my body has gone through and accomplished. For now, I'm angry, thankful, and processing it all. 

Left image: One of the most recent photos of me 

Right image: One of the last post-workout photos I took before I began getting biopsies and procedures.