Thankful for Aches and Pains

As I was lying in bed late last night, having just gotten back from about 6 hours of painting at our new house, and our 7th day straight of working on the house, I could feel my body aching. 

As I began to think about the ways my body is aching now as compared to when it was aching and uncomfortable from chemo I experienced a deep feeling of gratitude for having an able body that can work hard and experience this kind of soreness as compared to the version I had experienced for months over the last year. And in that same moment, I felt my heartbeat quicken and feelings of anxiety wash over me. In that moment I also realized it was around this time last year that I noticed the lump for the first time. 

I remember waiting a week or so before calling my doctor because I thought it could just be a cyst or something that would go away with a little time. It felt like a little marble sitting near the top of my skin. When it didn’t go away I called my gynecologist. It was time for my annual check up anyway. We scheduled an appointment for the next week. She did an exam, thought it was likely nothing, but said if it didn’t go away in two weeks we would do an ultrasound and go from there. 

It didn’t go away. 

The ultrasound revealed a lump that the doctor didn’t like the look of, so they scheduled a biopsy. I don’t remember how quickly those things happened without looking at a calendar because all I can remember was how all the doctors said they think it’s likely nothing to worry about. “You’re so young, and you have no family history of breast cancer. It’s likely nothing, but we are checking to make sure.” 

Thank God they did. 

From the time of my first appointment to the day of my biopsy was exactly a month. A week later I was told I have cancer. 

Now, I’m sure I will reflect more on all of this when I reach my “cancerversary” (March 5), but for now I’m just blown away by the body memory of it all. My body is remembering and recognizing these experiences before I even am (mentally anyway). As I laid in bed last night my body began to remember that it was around this time last year that I noticed the lump. It was around this time last year that this years long process of cancer treatment and recovery began. 

I was talking to my therapist last week about an experience I had during a heart scan a couple weeks ago. When I lifted my arm over my head for the scan I began to have a small panic attack. The position of my arm was pulling on the mostly healed surgery site. The muscle memory of having my arm above my head reminded my body of the ultrasound, biopsy, surgery, and radiation it had endured over the last year; and as a result my body felt unsafe and began to panic. In the moment I didn’t recognize why I was feeling panicky and anxious, just that I wanted it to be over and I had to practice deep breathing to try and stay calm.  But looking back, and after talking about it with my therapist, I realized that it was my body remembering events of the last year. She told me to practice a couple of things to help when I have this sort of experience...

1. Tell myself that I am safe. Because I am. 
2. Honor my body, my injury, my healing. Stretch, take a bath, do yoga, message the incision sites, etc. My body has endured a lot and deserves to be honored and shown love. 

So, in moments when I begin to feel panicky as I remember the last year, both physically and mentally, I am doing just that. Telling myself that I am safe, breathing deeply, and honoring my body. 

Aren’t our bodies amazing?? 

Despite the horrendous year my body has had, my body is so good. 

She reminds me of things I still need to process. 

She helps me feel the aches and pains of being alive. 

She reminds me that even in the midst of brokenness my body is GOOD. 

I’m continually grateful for this body God gave me. 

It’s an ongoing process...I’m still angry and confused that I got cancer, but I no longer feel that my body has betrayed me. She has helped me fight. And we are growing and learning together.